Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
